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DAY 2 – ON RELATIONSHIPS

December 9, 2011

April 2011

If you asked me about relationships two years ago, I probably would have had a different answer. The same goes for last year or if you’ll ask me a year from now. Point is, what I think about relationships constantly changes. In other words, I’m clueless. And I don’t know a thing. Hahaha.

Until I was around 14, I couldn’t even stand the topic. My stomach would literally make sounds when my cousins and friends would talk about boys, and feelings and other cheesy things. It wasn’t my thing, and I wasn’t at all bummed about that fact. I mean, what was the big deal? It wasn’t like I felt that way about anyone in the world, and honestly, I never thought I ever would. I didn’t even want to. Plus, if it meant that I’d end up all mushy and floaty and smiley and weird, then no thank you.

But, one thing I witnessed again and again, were those mushy – floaty – smiley girls turning into sad – angry – bitter ones. They’d tell me why, and it was almost always because of a stupid boy. They’d end up getting hurt. If I remember correctly, it was then that I decided that I never wanted to go through anything like that. I didn’t want to get hurt. Ever.

NO TO ALL BOYS. That was my rule. Nothing about having a relationship seemed to spark any interest in me at that time. I reviewed the cycle, and it all seemed to end the same way. So, I figured I would just avoid the whole thing altogether.

That’s how I viewed relationships for a long time. Well, high school relationships at least. I couldn’t understand why people wanted it so badly if it brought about so much pain in the end. Why did they want or need it right now? How is it possible for people to be so happy one second and so heartbroken the next? Why does loving someone have to be such a huge risk? Why do people get so freakin’ bright and shiny when they’re in love? It didn’t make sense.

Right now, I’m sixteen. My stomach does not make sounds when the topic is brought up. But, I still feel very awkward talking about anything related to it. I still refuse to be a mushy – floaty – smiley girl because I know that a lot of girls that were once like that end up sad, angry and bitter, if you know what I mean. Sometimes, it’s risky to get used to something (or someone) that might not always be there.

Relationships still scare me.

Will I ever be able to trust someone enough to give him my whole heart? Will I ever be willing to take that risk? I probably will eventually. But, right now? I really don’t know. After hearing so many stories about failed relationships and all that drama, it made me not want it even more. But, I thought about it…

Why are we all rushing? It’ll happen at the right time.
Why can’t we just wait? It’ll happen at the right time.
What if we keep pushing it away? If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen at the right time.

Sometimes, people get caught somewhere in between being friends and being together. Some immediately dive into the ocean of so called “love” and grab a label for themselves. Then, they end up expecting more, getting disappointed more often, and getting hurt more often; it’s all part of the package. And then, there are those who don’t feel the need to do that. They take baby steps and inch their way into the world they know nothing about. They take their time. They enjoy. Then, they enter when they’re both ready.

Right now, I’m not ready for a solid relationship. I don’t know when I’ll ever be. I’m not rushing though, I’m waiting. I’m waiting for the time when I’ll be willing to take the risk.

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