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Taking On the Dream

January 31, 2012

We all have dream talents. They’re talents or skills we wish we could possess right this instant. Take photography, for example. It’s one of mine. But, things like that don’t happen in a blink of an eye. They take a lot of time and and a whole lot of hard work. And money, in some cases. Still, it seems so easy to picture ourselves in action. We can see ourselves living that dream and actually owning that skill. It all seems amazing in our heads. So amazing, until we see the road we need to take to get there.

For a a long while, I was torn between going for what I’ve always wanted and going for something safe. The first option would require me to invest years of my life into developing a skill which may not even be innate in me. It would challenge me to the highest level and possibly leave me more frustrated than I’ve ever been. The second option, on the other hand, is definitely more secure. With it comes an assurance of fun, of being with my friends, of graduating earlier, and of less stress. It’s extremely tempting to go with the second one, really. Why suffer, right?

Back when I was a kid, I was sure of what I wanted. Too sure, I suppose. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I had only one answer and it did not change for years. But, that was probably because I never considered what I had to do to get there. I was only certain that one day, I would. Reality hadn’t crushed my dreams just yet.

It took me a while to figure out what happened to that child with unbelievable determination. That kid who made her own  fake company and fake calling card at the age of nine. That was me. I was that sure. How in the world could I have given up a dream that big? Because I did. I gave it up for a pretty long while. It was amazing to think and dream about it but, to actually pursue it was an entirely different story. It required actual work. Actual effort. And that scared me.

I have this special talent. I can condition my mind to believe anything. And the moment I realized how difficult my childhood dream was to achieve, I decided to let it go and go for something more… practical. Something safe. Suddenly, I had this new dream that seemed much easier to achieve. There were thoughts of relief that I no longer needed to go through that difficult road. Everything was bound to be easy from there on. The old dream would remain a dream and I was fine with that. Or so I made myself think.

(Taken from my previous blog entry)

Sometimes, the dreams we’ve placed behind us surface.
Sometimes,  our minds change.

Sometimes… things change.

Just when I thought that all was said and done, the old dream came up again. Staring right at my face was an opportunity to go for it, and right there and then, I made my choice. In a snap, everything I conditioned my mind to believe went down the drain. All I could think about was how much I would hate myself if I didn’t at least try

That made me realize that no matter how much we plan our lives, some things are really out of our control; including the way we feel about things. Perhaps, God’s plan for us is really better than the one we have for ourselves. Throughout my entire decision making process, I was waiting for that feeling of peace. Now, it’s finally here.

 I don’t think I’ll ever understand the inner workings of the human mind. Can someone please explain these sudden spurts of clarity? This certainty that comes out of no where?  How can I be certain about something that’ll surely bring me hardship? How can I feel peace, being aware of all the challenges that will lie ahead? There are so many unanswered questions in my head. And yet, somehow, I know what I am to do.

Despite everything, there is still no assurance that I will achieve my dream. I wish there were but, at the same time, there’d be no point in living if things worked that way. But whether I do or not, whether I push through or decide it’s not for me along the way and however this may turn out, I’ll be able to take comfort in knowing that I did what I had to do… that I didn’t miss out on a opportunity that was right in front of me simply because I was too scared to try.

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